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Comfort Food

17.3.12




I had just eaten

White bread, double smoked leg ham

A handful of chips, countless glasses of water

From the new filtered pitcher I bought

Which I filled with water from the tap


I had just eaten

But I’ve been craving for two days

Or three weeks

Or just at that moment

For a glass of thick, sweet milkshake

For a juicy, loosely assembled burger

For newly deep-fried French fries

Fresh from the frozen pack


I’ve been craving for comfort food

On a rainy Saturday afternoon

When I’m stuck in my room

In a country a sea away from my home

I lock myself in and say,

I’ll finish all my work today

So I can rest or explore tomorrow

But instead I find myself stuck

On Facebook and Twitter

Checking any and all sources of interaction

Between the world that I’m familiar with

And the world I’m only getting to know


But I find myself still craving

For that thick, sinful milkshake

And that haphazard burger

And those thinly sliced fries

As I repeatedly check my phone for messages

Or if I left it on silent mode, or if it’s still charging

If I hadn’t lost my connection

The blue signal indicators blink at me, fluctuating

But still there

But still, there was nothing


I step out into the rain

And walk over to the McDonalds just below my apartment

But since I still don’t know my way around

I walk the long way

Up the escalators

Through the bridge

Across the street

To the McDonalds, where I can finally get

My milkshake and burger and fries


I walk the long way back

Can’t wait to indulge myself in my value meal

I walk with a steady pace

Quickly enough to keep my fries warm till I can eat them

Slowly enough to observe the other people on the street
And wonder if they want some comfort, too


I reach my room in a matter of moments

Dump everything on my desk

And start eating

I eat and eat and eat

And drown myself in the comfort that comes

With a burger and fries and a milkshake

Comfort food for 8.65

(4.50 for a Happy Meal)

A small price to pay


I stuff myself to my heart’s content

And check my phone when I took a breath

To find nothing new

I hadn’t lost my connection

The blue signal indicators blink at me, fluctuating

But still there

But still, there was nothing


So I go back to my melting milkshake

And dry burger

And soggy fries

And eat

Still craving

night walks

25.1.12




we were walking on the street.


you took the dangerous side

as usual

but I always end up the one

tripping and falling

into the gutter

hitting the curb of the side walk

as I walk by your side


and I think, oh

he’s so nice,

what a gentleman, this guy

as you hold the small of my back

whenever I stumble or lose my balance

or try to get closer

you hold my back

the way you’d hold on to air or water

or a fading dream


and I think, oh

he won’t let go,

but don’t hold on too tight now

because if you try to grab hold of water

it’ll just seep through your fingers faster

seep through all the folds and cracks

of your hand


and as we step on all the cracks of the pavement

you hold my back

the way you’d touch a cloud

not knowing if your hand will land

on something soft or wet or

nothing at all

not knowing if when you pull back

your hand will be the same because

we’re never the same

once we’ve touched the sky


and I said, oh

look at the sky

what I beautiful night, you said

as we raised our heads

and saw how bright the moon is shining

but I guess what you didn’t notice

was all the stars in hiding

their light pushed back into the darkness

by the radiance of the moon


and I think, oh

he’s so sweet,

pushing me away as cars passed by

on his other side

trying to keep me safe

and I guess what I didn’t notice

was how you kept pushing ever so gently

like a slow moving cloud or a cool night breeze

or the moment a hug ends and you have to let go

I guess I didn’t notice how you kept

pushing

even when no cars passed.


we were walking on the street

you took the dangerous side

and made me walk on the edge

into the gutter

on to the sidewalk

and I walked by your side

as you walked

alone.

It's been a while.

The little girl drama is over, so really, there's nothing more to rant about. Main reason why I've stopped going here. Just like I did with the PostSecret community. I've always considered it a good thing, though, because then, I'd know for sure that I'm really done with all that drama. What I didn't realize then is that I also cut myself off from my creative outlet, and that is definitely not a good thing. I now find myself not being able to write as much because somehow, I've convinced myself that there is nothing more to write about.

So, here I am, trying to squeeze out ideas, just to get my creativity flowing again. Can't really think of much right now; just trying to get back to this old habit (without the dramatic episodes).

I really do hope I find a way to write again, without the drama. Otherwise, life's going to be pretty hard for me.

At least I know I'll never be bored, right?

The World Is Ending And I'm Saving Books

AKA my first EN12 composition.
---
 

Bernabe, Hannah

19th June 2009

The World Is Ending And I'm Saving Books
 

It's the end of the world. No, that's not an exaggeration. The world really is ending. Apocalypse with all the works. There are loud speakers everywhere, constantly blurting out important announcements. This time it's saying, "Save five books! Every person must save five books each!"

 

'Books?'' I think to myself. 'Shouldn't we be worried about food and shelter and first aid kits?' As I ponder on this, I find myself walking towards my small collection of books and started picking. You can't argue with the PA system, after all.

 

So, five books. I pick up my Bible, of course. We're definitely going to need that. I mean, if we're going to be moving to another planet, we might as well have God on our side. Besides, I don't know what I'd do without it.

 

Okay, next book. I see a ratty old science text book somewhere at the bottom of the pile. I decide to pick it up and bring it along. I may not love science as much as I ought to, but it will most probably come in handy.

 

I look over at the pile again, and suddenly realize something that worsened my already panicky mood. None of the books I have left will be of any use to the world. How am I supposed to pick the last three now?

 

I sit for a while to think (which, I later realize, wasn't a very wise move because I can't afford to waste time when the world is ending) and, finally, I decide to just pick out whatever books I want and those that I deeply treasure.

 

So I stand and pick up a thin, white book with a planet and a little boy on the cover. The Little Prince. I add it to the pile because, really, we can't all be grown-ups in the new planet. Someone will have to remind the people of the laughter in the stars, and the foxes that they tamed, and the roses that they loved, and other matters of great consequence.

 

Next, I pick up a little green book, slightly smaller but thicker than the last. Nothing but the title, the author, and a picture of a covered face on the cover. The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I decide to bring this because I think that we need to remind ourselves of all the things we've gone through, good and bad and ugly. Besides, i don't see why we can't read letters from an anonymous friend on a new planet. It might even help us feel infinite again.

 

So, that's four. One more book left. I look around, surveying my collection meticulously until my eyes land on a worn out copy of Pride and Prejudice. I think for a few seconds, then I pick it up and add it to the pile. I think we need to preserve the memory of those times. We could all just drown in the beautiful words and the headstrong personalities and the roller coaster love story of Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy.

 

I sigh. I guess that's it. I take one last look at the books that I will leave behind, the books that I loved and cherished and took care of (well, tried to) for so long. I breathe it all in, trying to remember every detail, wishing now that I could save them all. I start to turn and leave, when something catches my eye.

 

Relatively big. A little thick. Hard bound. Different colors. How could I be so stupid? I put down the five books in hand and pick this one up. I blow  away the dust on its surface and looked at it apologetically, as if I had committed a grave sin against it. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Suddenly, I find myself forgetting about the other books and the end of the world. I look at it longingly, then my eyes move to the rest of the series. My heart tightens as I realize that I already have five books to save, and even if I didn't, I still wouldn't be able to save them all, and it's not like they could be of any help in the new planet.

 

But still. This is Harry Potter. Leaving it would be like leaving behind an arm or a leg or half my brain or heart. Yes, it has affected me that much.

 

I put down the Sorcerer's Stone beside the pile that I initially decide to save. I look at them, from one to the other, trying to make a decision that I never thought I'd have to make. I stare some more. I think some more. Then, I sigh. I pick up the Harry Potter book, then the other five. I go back to the collection that I was going to leave behind and return one of the books there.

 

'Oh, well,' I think to myself, 'let someone else worry about science.'

 

Then, I turn around and walk away.


Is this how we roll?

Dear you,


So, I'm a cold, non-responsive bitch.

I'm sorry. Really.


---


I had another midnight episode. Or no, not really. More like a 1 AM episode. I don't know why. It's been a month. GET OVER IT ALREADY, HANNAH. (Oh, if only it were that easy.)

I'm getting better. But still pretty much a wreck inside. I still don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing now, actually. Just trying to get by.

My stupidity and lack of self-control still gets the better of me at times, but I try to lessen it. I just...God, I just want to be carefree again. Being guarded does not suit me at all. Very tiring, indeed.

Ate Neens is right. Avoid complication. But how the hell do I do that? It's like I make my own drama without meaning too. I seriously do not want it anymore.

I remember believing Peyton when she said, "This year I asked for love, and if love is tragic, then give me tragedy."


SCREW TRAGEDY.



Have faith. Do not despair.

Louise was right. The psalm was perfect. But that still doesn't take away the hurt.

I don't know why tonight is so important anyway. It's not, actually. I just...I don't know. I couldn't help it anymore. I just...burst.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just let go? Holding on like this is stupid and is giving me hell. So I should stop, right? Oh, if only I could. I just really, really wish I could.

He offered to leave, and I told him to stay. Was that stupid too? 'Cause now I'm the one thinking of leaving. I don't know. Maybe it is better that I don't see him or anyone else for that matter. I think I need a getaway. That sounds kind of cowardly, but I seriously need a break from all this. I just can't take it anymore. I'm going crazy. I didn't think it would hurt this much. I asked for love, even if it came with tragedy, but I didn't think it would break me up this hard.

She told me to not let a boy break me so much that I couldn't pick myself up after. I guess it's too late for that.

He told me he was ready to be friends again. Now, I don't think I am. Maybe Louie was right. Maybe I should cut him off for a while. I really don't want to, but I don't see any other way for me to learn to let go and get over him. This is just to hard for me. I guess I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was. Maybe nothing can prepare you for this. All those books and movies written about love, with hundreds of versions and millions of meanings, they won't do you any good when you're breaking apart already.

I need a release. It's part of the reason why I'm writing this at 2:32 AM. But I need something more.

Now is the perfect time for that shooting lesson dad told me about. Or maybe the tank-driving day that Karl promised me. Or, I don't know, running or swimming a few laps early in the morning. I just need...something.

Lights will guide you home.

So, I had my party last night. Awesoooooome. I lovelovelove you guys. :*

But yeah, got home today. Tried to sleep again, but failed. So, here I am, stuck on the computer as usual.


Dear me,

Stop being such a stalker.
Seriously.



Last night, he said he's fixed his crap, and that he'd really want to be friends again. Idk. I kind of got excited about being friends again, because honestly, all the unnecessary drama is very exhausting. We were supposed to have a talk out, but my other friends came and yeaaaah. Next time, I guess.

Now though, I don't really know how to face him without my consequences of my stalking popping in my head.

Stupid me had to look through their Multiply's again, and what do I see?

Three words, eight letters were exchanged. And I was just a spectator.

And the clock struck 12.

 Actually, it's almost 1, but whatever.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEE.
18. Legal. Oh boy. :))

Here's to hoping for a beyond awesome year. :)
 I really don't know what to do anymore. I tried going back to before. I tried being angry. But I always go back to wallowing by myself.

I just... I don't know. It just hurts so bad. And seeing things, without knowing what they really mean? The confusion is back again, which really shouldn't be the case because I shouldn't concern myself with these things anymore. I have no right to.

Okay, I just came back from the bathroom. I cried again. Kasi naman, masakit e. Kahit na ba alam ko nanaman yun, masakit parin, to sort of hear it being confirmed.

ANG SAKIT TALAGA. SOBRAAAAAA.

Sheeeet, pano kaya toh? Buong summer tas college pa. SHEEEET. COLLEGE. KAMUSTA NAMAAAAAN.

Grabe, ayoko na talaga. Ayoko ko nang masaktan. ANG HIRAP.

I don't know what to do now.

He said: If its gonna be easier for you kung mawala muna ako ill go take my mom's offer to work in palawan this summer.

WTH AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT?

I honestly don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with this.

Will it really be easier if he just left? Or will it be stupid 'cause he'll be back for school (which is the same school that I'll be entering) and everything will just hit me ten times over?

GAAAAAAH.

I want things to be like before. I miss it so, so much.

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